“In a post-apocalyptic world, how would society use you?” This was a line delivered by Jack Donaghy, towards Liz Lemon, in the amazingly awesome sitcom, 30 Rock. It’s a show principally about a Head Writer on a show, and her relationships with her bosses and employees on a fictional NBC show, TGS. All of this is relevant, in that I want you to check it out because it’s a great show, but mostly, let’s focus on that quote. We all have our places in society, and essential functions that we employ, but this is the pre-apocalyptic world. These lanes and positions have been created by our cultures, and made available through socio-economic conditions. However, what happens in the result of some sort of apocalypse? How would your position shift? Where would your pinball land in the pinball game of life? How would your knowledge, skills, and abilities help you become valuable in the new world? Here we will explore some wrestlers whose abilities and skills would be undeniably useful in the result of an apocalypse.

So we need to establish a couple things here. First of all, there are a large variety of apocalypse’s to consider. There’s the zombie apocalypse (which we’ve covered already with ‘Brent Metcalf, Zombie Hunter’), there’s the nuclear holocaust apocalypse, there’s the asteroid hits the earth scenario, the computers take over (Terminator scenario), no shortage really. In all honesty, I was kind of blown away when I googled “types of apocalypse scenarios”. Did you know that there is an extensive Wikipedia page on “Doomsday Scenarios'' (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Category:Doomsday_scenarios)? It’s kind of wild to check out. Anyway, without getting too crazy with this, let’s just settle on something relatable and easily understood. Also, this is supposed to be fun, so I don’t feel like getting into World War 3 scenarios, or a nuclear fallout as a result of atomic bombs, or something like that. That sucks, so that’s not what we’re doing. I’ve settled on an Impact Event, which causes the eventual Societal Collapse. This makes me feel like it was unavoidable, and inevitable, so let’s roll with that. According to Wikipedia, Societal Collapse (also known as civilizational collapse) is the fall of a complex human society characterized by the loss of cultural identity and of socioeconomic complexity, the downfall of government, and the rise of violence. Possible causes of a societal collapse include natural catastrophe, war, pestilence, famine, and depopulation. In this case, it was the result of an asteroid hitting the planet. A collapsed society may revert to a more primitive state, be absorbed into a stronger society, or completely disappear. So that’s where we are, the atmosphere has been destroyed, all the world’s societies have collapsed, and we now live in a world, not unlike the Escape From New York. Let’s see who is going to be most helpful.

One last distinction here. Of course wrestlers are going to be the most prepared to handle this. We are trained and prepared to get through tough times, ration our food, and come with more mental and physical toughness than most. Now that we’ve established that, it goes without mentioning that we’ll all be fine and offer something. I’m looking for the most undeniably helpful and useful of the wrestlers here. Let’s start with one of the basic essentials. Food.

Brent Metcalf was sponsored by Mossy Oak, bow hunts, probably sets some mean traps, and I’m pretty sure he could beat just about any animal in hand to hand (paw? claw?) combat. We need Brent to help us kill and collect food to eat. I don’t know what is ahead of us in the new world we live in, but I do know we will have to eat something, and Brent and his hunting will help us with the most basic of human needs. Brent is a part of our crew.

Robert Kokesh graduated from Nebraska with a degree in Agricultural Economics and grew up on a super serious farm. Like, this is how we make a living sort of farm. The kind of farming that requires a crazy amount of effort and energy all hours of the day, every day of the week, forever. The kind of farming that would be incredibly helpful in this situation. I don’t know what the world is going to look like, but I have a feeling that farming for our own food is going to be a big part of it. Plus Kokesh is just a beast, so we are going to need his know how, and Agricultural abilities to help us get through this.

Adam Coon is a giant person. He is super strong, and athletic. More importantly though, he is a Rocket Scientist, or something like that. I’m looking for people with a particular set of skills in this apocalypse, and I feel like having a rocket scientist would be very helpful. What happens if we need to get off of Earth and create a new world on Mars like in Total Recall? Do you know how to do that? Neither do I, but I feel like Adam would have some sort of an idea. He’d at least know where to begin, and would be able to help us with his brains and his brawn.

Sarah Hildebrandt is going to be a tremendous help here. She is always talking about how she’s reading fantasy stories, and is really into that sort of stuff. It’s going to be important to have people around us that are going to be able to think outside the box, and come up with new and fresh ideas to survive. When the only constant in the world is the inconsistency, it’ll be important to have someone with a vivid imagination to help us navigate. I’m nowhere near as creative as I used to be, so Sarah’s creativity, ideas, and broad worldview, will be helpful to the crew.

Forrest Molinari is with the crew because she is going to for sure be un-phased by an apocalypse. I feel like she stares adversity in the face and says, “Let’s fucking go!” That’s the sort of attitude we are going to need in tough times. Tough times call for tough people, and Forrest is as tough as they come. I don’t know what her major was from King College, I don’t know what other skills or abilities she has, but I do know that she’s built to handle an apocalypse, so she’s coming with us.

Nate Jackson is the President of the Black Wrestling Association, as elected by his peers. Nate is also a coach with Princeton University, and a World Class Athlete. One thing about collapsed societies, is that they eventually begin to take shape in the form of something else. What that will look like we don’t know, but I do want someone with the charm, charisma, and intelligence as Nate. He brings a leadership and presidential quality to the group that will help us as the new society starts to take shape. I can’t express enough how valuable his toughness and charisma would bring. Nate is in for sure.

This seems like a great place to start. Of course Tommy and I are here as well, since this was my idea. But who will lead us in the rebuilding process? Man, it’s got to be someone with the knowhow, and the elbow grease, to lead us to a new land. No, not me and Tommy, we don’t have the cognitive capacity to lead… Alright, we’ll do it. We’ll lead as two kings.

We’ll lead as two kings.