The Best Movie Wrestler, has been Crowned. Long Live Louden Swain.

Well everyone, we did it. It was a crazy tournament, filled with intrigue, excitement, upsets, a sexy drifter, and the rematch of the century. As the seeding meeting finished, I was shocked to see that Swain and Shute were on the other end of the brackets, and even more shocked to see them end up as the 3 and 4 seeds. As the tournament progressed, we quickly learned that the seeds were pretty solid, as the top four seeds made it to the Semi-Finals. They all moved on in decisive fashion, but even so, let’s walk through each match up and enjoy how I think these would have gone.

1 - AC Slater vs 8 - Leo Leone

Picture this. You walk onto the mat, ready to wrestle, headgear snapped, laces tied and taped, knee pads up, sufficiently warmed up, and put your foot on the line. You look up and AC Slater shakes your hand. You’re immediately equal parts impressed and intimidated, and that’s before you see over his shoulder the cheering section of Kelly Kapowski, Jessie Spano, and Lisa Turtle, who aren’t there to watch you compete. In this situation, you are Leo Leone, and you are swiftly taken down with the most lightning fast double leg you’ve ever been hit with, and before you know what happens, you’re stuck on your back. Thankfully, the referee has sympathy for your situation, and quickly calls the fall. AC moves on, and Leo is never heard from again. Actual poll results; 95% Slater, 5% Leone.

2 - Andrew Clark vs 7 - Lance DeLune

Lance describes himself as a prodigy of Greco Roman wrestling, but this is Folkstyle, and Lance is inept at defending any let attacks. Andrew hits a low single off the whistle, because Lance is standing straight up. A series of leg attacks helps Andrew secure a dominant Major Decision, despite not being able to hold Lance DeLune down, because he is a heavily oiled adult man. Poll results; 77% Clark, 23% DeLune.

3 - Louden Swain vs 6 - Kyle Timmons

Lat drop. Kyle was cool, and New Jersey is a tough wrestling state, and Win Win was the first good wrestling movie in a long time, but this match ended up being like comparing Win Win to Vision Quest. Sure, it’s a solid movie, but 10 times out of 10, I’m choosing Vision Quest. It’s just a better experience, with a better and more relatable story, and the greatest movie soundtrack of all time. There may be some hyperbole there, but not much. Louden Lat drops Kyle early in the second period. Poll results; 86% Swain, 14% Timmons.

4 - Brian Shute vs 5 - Ali Jahani

This may be a dumb point to make, considering that this is a 4 vs a 5 seed, which should be a close match up, but I think this was a closer match up than the results may have yielded. American Wrestler: The Wizard, was a great movie. The fact remains though, that Brian Shute carried a log up stadium stairs. Shute is a bruiser, who uses his force of will and power to overwhelm Ali, and walk away with an 11-3 major decision. Poll results; 84% Shute, 16% Jahani.

Here’s where things got interesting. The semi’s here were wild! We still got the 1 vs 2 match up, but in a battle for THIRD!!!

1 - AC Slater vs 4 - Brian Shute

AC Slater is a cool name. A cool name, and a cool wrestler. You know who isn’t cool? Albert Clifford Slater. That name is not cool, and that wrestler is not cool. That’s what Brian Shute did to Slater. He took his always cool name (Brian Shute is as good a wrestling name is you can get really) and turned AC into Albert Clifford. Like his match up in the first round, Shute used his overwhelming pace and smothering force to catch Slater early in the first period on his back. Slater battles off his back, but had too far a hill to climb, and like Sisyphus , was only able to battle back up hill, before eventually being beaten back down. Eventually, time ran out, and the #1 seed was upset, and Shute was on his way to the finals. Poll results; 74% Shute, 26% Slater.

2 - Andrew Clark vs 3 - Louden Swain

These are likely the two most popular 80s high school wrestlers in movie history. I mean, clearly Shute is also famous, but is he as pop culture famous as “The wrestler from The Breakfast Club”? Likely not. I picture this match taking place after Andrew’s detention though. Andrew simply hasn’t found the motivation he once had, albeit unhealthy motivation, but he doesn’t have the drive he had to make his father proud anymore. He’s had a revelation, and needs to find his own internal motivation. Swain has never struggled to find the motivation (except for a brief moment after he hooks up with Carla) needed to win these big matches. Louden wrestles aggressively, and ends up taking a 7-3 win. Louden did need to take blood time, but thankfully finished the match without issue. Poll Results; 69% Swain, 31% Clark.

Third Place Match; 1 - AC Slater vs 2 - Andrew Clark

This is crazy, as we have the top two seeds, and likely most famous wrestlers in pop culture, ending up battling for third. Both being “upset” by Vision Quest, and wrestling lore heroes. This match is essentially an embarrassed and angry Slater getting after Clark, who is still looking for his internal motivation. Slater dominates the first two periods, with several takedowns, holding an 8-2 lead going into the third. Clark is legit, and is in his senior season, being a defending state champ in Illinois. He hasn’t taken a beating like this in a long time, let alone two in a row. Andrew may be losing the match badly, but here it is. Here is his internal motivation. Andrew realizes that he’ll likely lose the match, but makes the decision there, that he’s going to go out fighting. Off the third period whistle he gets a reversal, and begins working for the turn. He’s angry and, once again, motivated. He is able to get one more turn, throwing in legs and locking in a very painful power half, but in the end is unable to score enough points to get the win. He releases Slater with 20 seconds remaining, but is unable to get a takedown to send it to overtime. Slater walks away with a 9-7 win, and the bronze, but Clark walks away with pride and a healthy motivation to continue battling in this great sport. Poll results; 63% Slater, 37% Clark.

OH MY GOD IT’S HERE!!! I didn’t think it would happen. Truly when the brackets were released, I was concerned that Shute or Swain would make the finals, but not the other one, and we wouldn’t get the rematch. I was hoping that, worst case, they meet for third place, but as fate would have it, we get them in the finals. It’s fitting that Vision Quest would have the two finalists. It’s clearly the most beloved and successful wrestling film, so to have this match up take place to decide who the Greatest Movie Wrestler of All Time is, is truly fortuitous. So what happened? How did it go down? I NEED TO KNOW!!! Here we go!

FINALS!!! 3 - LOUDEN SWAIN VS 4 - BRIAN SHUTE

Let us set the scene. Their first match up was at home for Louden, in the gym at Thompson High School. His friends and family are all in attendance, he’s got his home auxiliary gym to warm up in, Lunatic Fringe is turned up to 11 and he’s able to get as mentally and physically prepared as one can get. We don’t get to see Shute’s preparation, but I trust it is very thorough, and gets him adequately prepared. Likely juggling boulders, or something. This match, like the rest of this tournament, takes place in Athens Greece, at the Acropolis Coliseum. Seems like the most appropriate venue for these gladiators, and spectators alike. In place of their sword and shield, each competitor is equipped in their singlet and Halo headgear.

Both of these warriors enter the match with the confidence of Denzel Washington, and the swagger of Samuel L Jackson. They know what they are there to do, win, and both have every intention of doing so. The combatants walk to the center of the mat, shake hands, and the whistle blows, beginning what will surely go down as one of the most fierce battles anyone has ever seen. Louden and Shute immediately drive forward. Colliding like two stags locking horns, fighting for dominance and the affection of a doe. Louden works for position, and gets the lock he wants. He’s pummeled in and ends up in position to hit the lat drop that won him their first match. What he didn’t know, was this was exactly the approach that Shute was hoping he’d take. Shute uses Swain’s positioning and pressure against him, and catches him with a duck under, transitioning quickly into a cheap tilt. Louden regains his composure, along with respect for this opponent, and bellies down, only giving up a two count from the tilt. Louden is able to battle for hand control, using those strong hands that he clearly inherited from his bad ass Grandfather, and is able to get free. Down 4-1 at the end of the first, Louden has first choice, and chooses down. He hits a couple sit outs, but is followed by Shute, who is wrestling with the tenacity of a Bulldog going after a steak. Eventually though, Louden creates enough space to switch his hips and face Shute. With 10 seconds left in the second period, Swain is able to hit an arm drag, getting behind Shute, who tries to stay on his feet and get out of bounds, but is eventually brought to a knee just briefly enough for the takedown, a split second before the period ends. 4-3 Shute entering the third, and Shute chooses down. Louden, not exactly Logan Stieber on top, releases Shute before the period begins. Louden is down 5-3, and is wrestling with extreme urgency at this point. Shute is not the type to coast through the last two minutes, and knows he has the conditioning to continue to push the pace. His goal entering this match was to embarrass Louden, and prove that the first match was a fluke.Swain reaches across Shutes body, catches the tricep, and drags the arm across. Shute, having just given up the arm drag at the end of the second, adjusts by stepping into the drag, crowding Swain to keep him from getting behind and scoring a cheap two…

AND THERE HE GOES! Swain used the drag to bait Shute into stepping into him, closing the gap, and getting close enough for Louden to launch him once more. Shute spend 5 minutes of the match controlling the tie ups, and yet now he finds himself fighting off his back, staring into the beautiful Athens sky, wondering what went wrong. His eagerness to destroy Louden, and show the world that he’s the best, ultimately lead to his defeat. Shute didn’t allow himself to be pinned this time.He fights off his back, and eventually gets the escape, but the escape is the last thing to happen before the final whistle blows, giving Swain the victory 8-6. The voting for this match up was almost just as close, ending at 53% to 47%, leaving Louden Swain crowned The Greatest Movie Wrestler of All Time. A title many would have assumed he’d carry, and now does officially, having defeated Kyle Timmons, Andrew Clark, and Brian Shute. 

Thanks for indulging me in this elaborate and necessary exercise. Rock on.